Random domain of Jun's

you don't know what i am thinking
you don't know what i am feeling
you don't know why i am suffering
you don't know why i am crying
you don't know what i am sacrificing
you don't know what i am covering

i cried every night for you
i thought every night of you
i felt every time for you
i suffered every time for you
i sacrificed everything for you
i covered everything for you

did you even know?

You don't know anything...

i don't feel safe when you were with her
i don't feel safe when you say those words
i don't feel secured when you don't understand
i don't feel relieved when you didn't ask

what i feel and why im sad

i feel pain...

i'm afraid that i am not perfect
i'm afraid that i can't change you
i'm afraid that i can't please you
i'm afraid that i can't hold you
i'm afraid that i'm just a tool
i'm afraid that i'm cant be the one
i'm afraid that i'm not the one
i'm afraid that i cant make you happy
i'm afraid that i cant be there for you
as much as she could

I'm not pretty
I'm not beautiful
I'm not smart
I'm not intelligent
I'm not ample
I'm not capable
I'm not presentable
I'm not what i want to be
I'm not what you want me to be
I'm not like her

I'm not perfect...

I'm not worth it...
I'm not worth of anything
I'm not worth it for your concerns

What can i do for myself?

I can only pray
day by day

that

i can be perfect each day
i can avoid making mistakes
i can see you
i can be strong
i can be worth of something
i can be the one
i can be something else
i can be someone else
i can make you happy
i can give you joy
i can change you
i can be there for you
i can be the one
i can fill you
i can make you realize

that this is different

i wish that i could make you realize

why

and

how

much i care for you

how much that i could swore myself

to my death bed...


that








i could be perfect

at least



for one day...

I SHALL NOT BE EMO AGAIN

I SHALL BE STRONG!

SCREW HIM WHO DOES NOT APPRECIATE ME

SCREW YOU DANNY FOR BEING AN UNLOYAL FUCKER

SCREW YOU FOR BEING A TWO TIMER

YOU ARE JUST AN ANOTHER GUY WHO CLAIMS THAT YOU ARE LOYAL

YOU ARE THE SAME LIKE THE OTHER GUYS... PLAYBOYS!!!

SCREW YOU ALL STUPIDS

HE SHALL REGRET LOSING ME

(coz which gf in the world would spend money on you and shower you with gifts and love)

I DUN WANNA BE EMO NO MORE







SO FRIENDS... HELP ME XD XD XD

We broke up. He has no feelings for me. I still love him.

I kept crying. I kept praying. I want him back...

but he is seeing someone else....





love hurts...

I feel like im really lost. I dont know if i should cry. I dont know if i should just shut the f up and sit down quietly. Kaede's advice, be there for him. I did that once. Thats what i did in the first place. Thats what i did and thats what mended things up before saturday happened. I couldnt do the same no more. He just wouldnt accept it if i do. Right now, whatever i do is gonna make him annoyed and mad at me. I just dont know what to do right now.

First you said that you love me. I felt really happy that you did. Nothing in the world matters to me anymore just to hear you say that three little words without asking and when it came from you spontaneously. I feel, whatever i did was worth it. You chose to listen to a feng shui guy more than yourself. You are living in fear, anxiety and constant break downs just because you chose to believe what that man said. I want you to know that, you could be and you would be a happy person if you just be yourself. The old carefree happy Danny i used to know. Whatever im saying in here is what i really want to tell you. Chances that you might be reading this is lower than the chances of me getting my life straight back up running and going. But i'll take my chances.

I admit i got jealoused bout you and your good friend jia yee. Most of my friend say that you are having an affair. You are not loyal. I feel the same way bout you. I know, i should have trusted you in the first place. But.. i just dont know anymore. You chose to not to talk to me anymore. Even when you do, you end up angry. You dont even know if you still love me anymore. I dont understand, why. You said that you do the day before it but now you say you dont. I really want to believe that you are loyal to me. But i really cant find a reason to believe you. When i made my commitment (yeah, i did) to be with you, to be your girlfriend. You said that i have to be loyal, caring and will not lie to you. I did everything. Im being the most loyal to you. I care for you day by day. I fended myself from telling lies to you. I did my best. I changed from a hyper, crazy care free me to the loving and caring me for you.

I believe a principe when loving someone. I accept his flaws, weakness and everything bout him. I accept his background, personality and knacks. I accepted everything bout you. I dont care if you are poor or rich. I dont care if you are hot tempered or a dominator. I dont care if you have weaknesses in your studies or the things you do. I just love you. I love you for who you are. Why cant you see that? I dont care bout minor superficial things like money and the way you dress. The me making comments bout your previous dressing is just a comment. It was your choice to change. It was you to want to change. I merely accepted the fact you want to change the way you dress and support you. Thats what i should do. No matter what you want to do, i am your gf. I support you with my heart. If theres something wrong with your decision, im only advicing you no matter if you like it or not. Im only a pillar for you to stand on. I dont care even if you wear a week old tshirt to college or to our date. I dont care how out dated your dressing is. As long that, you are you. I know, people change. I changed, even you changed. But my feelings for you never changed. But your feelings did.

You are leaving me hanging here. I am very sure of myself that, i dont want to lose you. Whatever wrong doing you ever did. I'd forgive you. This is me. I forgive and forget the things you ever made me mad, the things you ever made me annoyed or irritated. The fights we used to have, i forgave everything. How you exploded with your temper on me everytime. I forgave you and started over. I tried my best to maintain our relationship. All the things i do i give my heart and soul. Why are you so grudgeful? You keep everything in your mind and thats what made you angry. You never forgive and you never forget. You can never be a happy person like that and your life will never be happier if you still keep thinking like that. I learned that when you love someone. No matter what he or she did to you. You will always forgive him or her. Because not everyone's perfect. You strive for 100% perfection, you'll end up evil and wicked. Its because that you love him/her, you will forgive the things he/she did because everyone has a part of goodness in them. Its if you give them the chance to prove it to you. You didnt give me the chance to prove it to you. You said that you wanted to give me the chance to change or be the one you like. The chance to start over. But now you cut me off. You didnt give me a chance to prove that things will turn out okay. You didnt give yourself a chance to see that either.

I may not be as perfect as your first love can be. I can never be your first ex. But i will always try to be better. I really dont want things to turn this way. The least i can do right now since the 3rd semester started is to put up a smile on my face for my friends. Im me. Me, myself and I. I'll try my best to be positive eventhough life is crumbling down on my toes. Can my life get any worse than this? I am losing someone dear to me. Someone i really love. Someone that is worth loving. He may not be perfect but its him i love. My heart tells me to hold on and continue hoping that he comes back. But seriously, do you know what it feels like, loving someone who is in a rush to throw you away? I am not a toy. I too want to be loved, to feel the warmth of an another individual.

Not only my love life is crumbling down, my family is falling apart. Im receiving a blow after another. I dont know how long can the smile on my face can hold. I know, there are people who are much more luckier than me and there are people who are not. But this is my story and this is what im facing at the same time. This is ALL the things im facing at the very same time. My mom fought with my sister again and my mom ended up crying (almost i guess.. but her eyes are teary) in a sunday MORNING. My sister hardly comes home and the very moment my mom wants to talk about it, they always end up in a fight. What happens everytime after they fight? Im the victim. 4years, im the punch bag for them. Everyone of the family. Whats my dark secret? I'll tell you what.

Im never happy in this family.

Everyone gets to ask advices from their parents. Talk to them, talk about stuff. Everything, whatever they could. I cant. Im just a teenager. I need advices too. But what im facing here is, my parents asking me for advice. Im never mentaly and spiritualy supported by them. Im always pushed down by them. Never supported. Never a confidence were built by them. I did all of them by scratch on my own. By not letting this happen to my younger sis. I have to grow strong just for the sake of my younger sis and myself. Im always terrified by small things. (Danny, if you are reading this... now you know why am i always so timid and paranoid and think alot of things all the time) not only that. My Career is at stake. I cant handle anymore jobs anymore. I cant handle my life. I cant handle my emotions. I really want to cry but i really cant. The terrible truth is, i can never show the weak me at home. I can never be myself at all at home. If i show how weak and vulnerable i am. My parents have no reason to acknowledge me as their daughter anymore. All they are looking at is the superficial me. Not the real me. I can never beat their expectations. My whole life is a disaster. Im a worthless being. I cant even protect the one i love. I cant even protect a piece of thread. The thread that connects me to you.


Despite that... went to see the doctor bout the constant ache at the left side of my chest and the small bump on the left side of my neck. He couldnt identify whats wrong. He asked me to see him again next time i feel the pain in my chest again. Yeah... im having aches whenever my heart pumps blood as if theres a needle poking it. I dont know but am PRAYING REAL HARD that the lump/bump in my neck is not cancer. I seriously didnt realize that theirs a lump/bump until the guy at the salon who is washing my hair and giving me a neck massage felt the lump. He was like... miss... you have a lump. I passed out a few minutes last nite in my cousin's friend's car. No, i did not SLEEP. I really fainted. I lost conciousness... maybe its a sign.



::::: someone save me :::::

The pig's friendster page gave me a heart attack. His status of 'in a relationship' turned into single. His private photos which were 4 of them, were pictures of us were deleted off from his account. And there's a girl in friendster bugging him (well, making friends lar, im just sensitive but still! TABOO WEI!) and asking him if he hav a girlfriend at the moment. I dont know what he replied coz he screened off his replies... This made me really worried and scared. I lost my confidence. I was... WAS confident bout him not being a player and being loyal. After what i saw... i lost my confidence. He once told me that he wanted time and he wont treat me like what Chris did. I told him that i was scared that i will end up like what i did with chris. Coz this is exactly the situation that me and chris had. He told me that i can believe him and he is not chris. He will not treat me like what chris did. He said that he is different. I believed him. Now... i dont know what to do. I should be having confidence in him but i cant find a reason to at the moment. After i saw the friendster thingy... he was online and i straight away asked him if he still loves me. He say he THINKS he still love me. That gave me half relief and half dissapointment. He is still unsure. What am i to him. Wait... what am i to myself anyway?

During this holiday, he sms-ed me before and said bout how sad it is for not having the chance to be with me for the valentine's. It changed... his tone, his smses... all of them changed. I should be staying strong at this point but this is kinda a blow too heavy. I've been drowning myself with songs that are supposed to be soul healers like Suneohair's Sora Mo Isogashii... but i didnt work like they were supposed to =__=;; I hope the holidays ends fast.. or not... i really dont want to hear him say no. But if its the fact that i had to accept... i dont know what i'll do next... but no worries, i dun do no stupid stuff no more. But at least... i really hope that i could see him or hear something thats shows a good sign from him during Valentine's.
Coz im very sure now that i still love him and i love him. HEY I MISS HIM! After Bimjie, Prince Lui and Joshi gave me a lecture, i felt kind of better and they made me realize what i really want and guided me through. Kilmasis gave me confidence to go through the day. Thank you all... love you guys so much.

Even winnning Rm400 didnt actualy cheered me up coz... i know inside me, i still need Danny. I hope that he still loves me.

Dear cupid...
im in need of your blessings,
im in need of your arrows,
im in need of you,
im in need of him,
im in need of being loved.
Please bless all my friends with your miracle and blessings for this valentine's.
Please bless him, bless my fiance.
Thank you for bringing back my friendship with kaede.
I hope that you could guide him back to me too.

God bless all.
Happy Valentines

Let the songs load. Its really nice ^^ its helping me get through what im on right now. Listen to them. If you want them, tell me on my msn. I'll send them to you ^^

First song: Suneohair - Sora Mo Isogashii
Second Song: Radwimps - Order Made